You're so easy to read...

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 22:48:56 GMT

Shocking how unbelievably helpless one can feel when the most important day of their lives is going to happen any moment, and they have no control over when that is...

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 22:08:04 GMT

Any day now...

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 06:55:15 GMT

So today I've gone from blood sugar/energy so low that I almost fainted in my birthing class to energy so high I've been frantically nesting all night. I'm just finally sitting down and resting.

I took a nap this afternoon to rest after almost having a really bad blood sugar crash, and about an hour after I woke up I started looking at my bathroom thinking it was messy. So I cleaned it. And then I went to put something away in my room and I realized its filthy and I need to organize everything to get ready for this baby!

So I started cleaning off my dresser and desk, sorting laundry, etc. Then I started clearing out my closet, and frantically organizing drawers in my desk, dresser, and nightstand.

I'm trying really, really, really hard not to start dusting. I can't help it though! Everything is dirty. It needs to be clean.

I'd probably have vacuumed already if it weren't for the fact that my mom and cousin are asleep in the next room. I wonder if I can get it done in the morning before I leave...?

Omigod.

I need help.

♥
Crazy Lady & Her Sweet Baby Riley

...

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 18:14:42 GMT

Everywhere I turn, you haunt me.

In my dreams, you're there, trying desperately to steal away the only thing that has ever been truly important. And in the mornings, fear creeps deeper into my heart and I feel a panicked rush to find some way to get you to leave us alone.

You have no right.

NONE.

There is no bullshit, "God given" right to biological parents. And the day you decided to tell me to press the erase button on my son's life you lost my respect, my patience, and the right to say he's your son too.

Especially since that was your first, and only opinion. Every time we argued about anything, you always brought it up, and rubbed it in my face. "Well I told you, we're not ready!"

BULLSHIT.

You're not ready. And how dare you tell me, "I can't do this, you should have just had an abortion." MY body, MY decision, MY son. Not ours. Not yours.

You still aren't ready. I don't care what you say, ever. You're not ready. Maybe to be someone else's father (though I truly doubt it, you're just enjoying playing hero and you don't understand fatherhood because to be a father you have to be a man, and you're still a boy). But you're not ready for this.

You didn't want him Matt. YOU didn't WANT him. You didn't want him to live; you didn't want to help with the pregnancy unless it was YOUR way, and not what was really helpful; and now you don't want to just do what is best, and let me and my son live in peace, because suddenly, 6 months later you've seen the light. Its a day late, and a dollar short. PUN INTENDED. What have you done for him? NOTHING. Except bring me to the brink of miscarriage. What will you ever be able to offer him? NOTHING. Except pain, confusion, and heartbreak.

Leave. Just leave us alone. Let us live in peace and find a way to make this work. You don't factor in. Every which way you work it, you are only going to hurt him. And I know you know it. You just won't admit it because you're stubborn. But not stubborn enough.

He needs a real father; a man. A good role model. All of which, you can't offer him. So go play house with your new girlfriend, and leave us alone. Please. PLEASE. Just walk away.

Don't say you can't. I know you can. You've done it before. You've proven just how badly you "want this". Which is not at all. And we both know the only reason you're here is because you're selfish Matt.

You are. You're the only person I know who can manage to be terribly selfish and somehow convince himself that its "selfless". You aren't thinking about whats best for Riley. You're thinking about YOU. Just like you were when you told me to have an abortion. Just like you were when you whined and bitched and argued with me, and just like you are now that you've decided you want to "fight me for this". Its about you. You want to look good. You want people to stop rolling their eyes at you. You want recognition. Blah blah blah. Fucking open your eyes.

HAVE YOU EVER ONCE STOPPED AND THOUGHT ABOUT RILEY?

Do you think about whats best for him? What he'll look like? If he'll like to play soccer, or maybe he prefers band class? How you can't wait to meet him? And kiss his toes? And look deep in his eyes and feel your heart explode because he's the most amazing person you've ever met in the whole wide world?

No. I didn't think so.

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 02:47:55 GMT

I don't understand you.

Why can't you just leave me alone? You don't talk to me for a whole month and then manage to find the time to send me a friend request on myspace of all places. Its like you try so hard to have contact with me, just to keep it brief and impersonal.

I don't want to know you. We have nothing in common. I don't like who you are as a person. Honestly, I'm not sitting around waiting for you to change. I don't care if you change. I don't care if you stay the same.

I don't care about you.

Whats so hard to understand about the fact that I just want my freedom from you...?

That makes it sound like you some how control me.
You don't.

But seriously, what is it that drives you to constantly try?

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 23:43:39 GMT

I've realized more and more lately that my happiness is internal. Not that I'm the only thing that makes me happy, but rather that my happiness doesn't happen to me.

I create it.

Yeah, duh. Still, its something thats become very real to my lately. Not just this idea I know of, but that I truly control my reaction to things.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt.

I'm pretty sure I've seen that quote a million times. Even quoted it myself, but I never understood it until the other night.

I've never felt so close to someone, so happy, and yet at the same time knew that we were creating happiness. Not just affecting each other.

&&&&&

In other news, something that smells very much like In & Out just wafted through my window and my stomach is growling. Lol.

I'll write more later.

♥
Tanya & Baby Riley!

Officially registered!

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 04:30:52 GMT

Just letting everyone know:

I'm registered at Babies R Us.

I'll be registering at Target too but I haven't gotten around to that yet. Oh and expect a few updates to the registry in the next week or two. Its not finished yet.

♥
Tanya & Baby Riley

Dear Curry,

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 07:43:27 GMT

Where shall I begin? We met for the first time this evening, and it was love at first bite. Truly I never knew food could taste so amazing until I met you. If only we had met sooner, I would have known the joy of your flavor.

Marry me.

♥
Tanya

P.S. Phở? I met you at lunch today and you wowed me with your amazing taste AND nutritional pluses. We can still date, just don't tell Curry... ^.~

I can grow things! (Besides babies...lol)

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 18:27:16 GMT

THAT! my good friends, is a jalapeño! The flowers on the plant drop over and die off and a jalapeño grows out of the center. There are at least a dozen on the plant now, but thats the biggest one!

And thats not the only thing growing. The watermelon plant has new leaves on it, that look like ivy kind of.

I was watering the watermelon plant a couple of days ago and the pressure snapped half of the plant almost completely off! I was so sad, I thought that I killed it. But even that half is growing new leaves! Its still partially attached. Its hard to see the broken part because of my hand, but you can see it in the first picture. Here's the new growth.

The strawberry plant has a least half a dozen blooms and if you look at the center of them you can see! Mini green strawberries.

AND! The tomatoes are growing too. There used to be three yellow flowers on the plant, and now the flower has dried out and you can tell it looks like the top of a tomato.

I'm so excited! Yay

♥
Tanya!

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 17:14:24 GMT

There are many excuses for men in this world. It seems they tend to be the ones that have children, more than any other kind of man. I came home from Havasu and found myself lost. Scared to death of college and being in complete control of my own life, I started to drown under everyone's expectations and dreams for me.

So I turned to the one group of people I'd always hated but found fascinating. The people who can actually wake up in the morning and be okay with the bare minimum, if that. And they welcomed me. In that group, I was always smart, without trying. In that group, I could be a different girl though. I didn't have to change the world, or become president or anything far fetched. I could cast off everyone else's ambition and just...indulge in lazy pleasures. It was like I was going to party so hard that I would make up for every day of high school that I had kept myself straight-laced.

It was very enticing and so, I got myself even more lost. I started drinking, and smoking. Smoking cigarettes that is. Everyone thinks I turned into a pot head, but I didn't. In fact, I've touched pot about 5 times in about as many years.

The point is, I got restless. Matt and I started dating and suddenly, I wasn't just hiding in that group, I was thriving. Everyone I met, knew me, because they knew Matt. It was a sick, mirror image to respect, but I was so lost that I soaked it in every second. Girls wanted to be *me*. I wasn't nerdy Tanya anymore. It was like hiding in the spotlight. You know, in 6 months I developed an alcohol tolerance that would shame a marine. I can drink a third of the largest bottle of Jack Daniels and still walk around. Its disgusting.

The deeper I went, the more suffocated I started to feel. I wasn't even Tanya anymore, I was Rose. I didn't decide what I wore in the morning, Matt did. I wasn't just hiding, I had completely forgotten who I am, and even what my own face looked like. None of this justifies the things I did to myself and to others. Its simply insight I've had...

When I found out I was pregnant, I was completely alone, sitting on a disgusting tile floor in a Del Taco bathroom, crying. It was Valentine's Day. Matt didn't want to talk about it because he had company over. "Company" happened to be his ex-girlfriend. This was exactly one week after we broke up, and THE day after my grandmother's funeral.

Everyone wanted me to have an abortion. EVERYONE. Different people told me in different manners. Matt's excuse was, "Well I don't really feel like growing up yet. I'm not ready to. So....maybe you should just have an abortion."

I told Peter Pan to fuck off.

Now, 5 or so moths later (I'm actually 6 months pregnant, but I found out when I was 8 weeks) Matt wants back in. Oh no, no, no. He doesn't want to be a man, or even a father really. He thinks he does. After all, he's dating a girl with a 4 month old and a deadbeat daddy of her own and has now excepted her son as 'his own flesh and blood'. He couldn't call me for almost three months, had people SPY on me for him, and now is adopting other children. And somewhere through all this, he honestly expects me to think he wants to be a father. Well, for now he does.

But half-assed. Does that make sense? Here one day. Late tomorrow. Here's a b-day card see you next year, type of thing. He claims it won't be like that, but its only smoke and mirrors. No actions to back it up. If we talk, its because *I* call. *I* set up a place. He doesn't put any effort back.

I asked him why. Why now when you didn't even want him to be alive in the first place. If you had it your way, he'd be dead. He said "he changed". He's done research on the law of it, and is willing to fight me. I didn't say anything in response, but I hope he's not bluffing because if he's looking for a legal battle I have experience, better knowledge, and a stronger will on my side. Not to mention, thanks to societal bias, I have court favor.

I don't know, I've completely strayed from the point I was trying to make: Despite ALL of the hell, bullshit, and betrayal Matt has dragged me through, this child deserves a chance at life. Period.

Who am I to predict how my son will turn out and therefore judge his right to life based upon it? I am having this child because, he's not "Matt's child". He's MY child. I carry him. I will birth him. I will raise him. He has half my genetics and all of my heart. That alone will protect him from a father like Matt.

It protected me from mine.

Naturally...

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 05:24:06 GMT

Its common for some who becomes pregnant, especially unexpectedly, to be...so many things.

To feel conflicted by more emotions than one can list. Excitement, impatience, confusion, fear, anger, bewilderment, hurt, love, worry, etc. Truly, I could go on for days.

Right now, I want to talk about my excitement/impatience, and in context to those two things, worry.

Every day I feel my son get stronger, and it baffles me how quickly the time is passing. His kicks are almost strong enough for another person to feel, in fact I've felt him with my hand twice already. But it never lasts long enough for me to get someone else's hand there.

Soon, though. Soon he'll be strong enough.

When he kicks I feel so happy. I find my impatience growing, and I desperately want him to be here. (No matter how much labor scares the shit out of me). Granted, I don't want him here now. I want him here when he's done growing. No amount of impatience would make me wish he was born premature. *knock on wood*

I get so excited when he moves in fact, that I find myself missing him when hours or even most of the day goes by and I don't notice him moving. If a whole day passes and I haven't noticeably felt something, I start to worry. About what? I don't know. I just get sort of panicky. Is he okay? Quick when did he last move.

My poor brain has suffered much through this pregnancy. I can hardly remember anything, short term that is. And math and complicated things I used to enjoy seem too laborous to think about now. They tell me this wears off after birth, but part of me fears the 'toddler years' and their associated mush brain. Lol. Hopefully I don't become the type of woman who is only interested in talking about the color of her baby's last bowel movement.

I just...Blah. None of what I'm writing about is unique. Hell, its probably not even very interesting, but I just needed to express the excitement some how.

For now, this will do.

I think I'm going to get some rest. Good night.

♥
Tanya & Baby Riley

Citrus Chicken Salad

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 21:05:49 GMT

This is THE most amazing chicken salad of your life. I'm not kidding. My mom and I are addicted to it. I found the recipe a few years back in the Natural Health magazine. We usually make a large double or triple batch of it so that there's always some on hand for lunches and snacks. Its super easy to make. Poaching the chicken takes the longest. You can even do it in advance if you like.

Also, we like to omit the celery. It adds a nice crunch to the salad but frankly we just don't like it, so out it goes. Feel free to adjust as you like.

1 pound skinless boneless chicken breasts, about 3
1/3 cup light mayonnaise
2 teaspoons frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed (you can use orange juice, it just isn't as strong a flavor, and if you try to compensate by adding more it will be too runny. Your choice)
1 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
1 1/2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil (use about half this, if using dried - fresh is much better)
1 tablespoon chopped chives
1/8 ground pepper
1/2 cup diced celery
1/2 cup thinly sliced almonds
1/4 cup chopped red onion

Fill a Dutch oven or large saucepan with water and add chicken. Bring to a boil; remove from heat, cover, and let stand 15 minutes or until chicken is opaque throughout. Remove chicken with slotted spoon and pat dry. Cut into 1/2-inch chunks.

Combine mayonnaise, juice, zest, basil, chives, and pepper in a bowl. Whisk to blend. Stir in celery, chicken, almonds, and red onion. Toss gently to mix. Cover and chill until ready to serve.

FYI Nutritional Facts - Per Serving (2/3 cup): 241 calories, 38% fat (10.1g; 1.5g saturated), 13% carbs (7.8g), 59% protein (29.0 g), 1.7g fiber, 259 mg sodium.

My secret weapon - aka how to put any man in a better mood

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 20:53:11 GMT

Buttermilk Biscuits

2 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons shortening
1 cup chilled buttermilk

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Using your fingertips, rub butter and shortening into dry ingredients until mixture looks like crumbs.(Fingers work great, but if you're trying to keep clean, take two butter knives, hold one in each hand and make a scissor-like motion through the fats to slice into small pieces. You want the whole mixture to look coarse. Do this quickly, you don't want the fats to melt!)

Make a well in the center and pour in the chilled buttermilk. Stir just until the dough comes together. The dough will be very sticky.

Turn dough onto floured surface, (I flour my hands well first, that way the sticky dough doesn't stick to me OR my cutting board) dust top with flour and gently fold dough over on itself 5 or 6 times. Press into a 1-inch thick round.

Cut out biscuits with a 2-inch cutter, being sure to push straight down through the dough. (a glass works great for this if you don't have a fancy tool. TIP: Dip the glass or cutter in flour as well so the biscuit doesn't get stuck inside)

Place biscuits on baking sheet so that they just touch. Reform scrap dough, working it as little as possible and continue cutting. (Biscuits from the second pass will not be quite as light as those from the first, but hey, that's life.)

Bake until biscuits are tall and light gold on top, 15 to 20 minutes.

Not that it really matters

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 05:18:38 GMT

I hate feeling so...out-of-control.

Too many things swirling in my head, and yet there are no words.

I planted a garden!

Thu, 31 May 2007 00:51:42 GMT

Yay! I've always wanted to plant a garden and I've never done it. So we'll see if I have a green thumb or not. Lol. Well actually, Mom and I planted the garden. But I chose what went in it, and I'm the one who is doing all the research on the plants. AND since she works so much, I'll be the one tending it. So, shhh, lol. We're calling it "my" garden. ^.^

In the big terra-cotta pot are tomatoes and a few marigolds to ward off tomato pests. Over by the beach chair is a planter box my mom found that was pre-planted. It has marigolds, daisies, etc. Lots of color. And then there's the big plot.

Okay, the plot goes like so:

Rosemary __ Jalapenos / ________________Irish moss___________________
Marigold, marigold, marigold \ ________________Irish moss___________________
Watermelon __ Strawberries / ________________Irish moss___________________

Oh and with the Irish moss are some little flowers. I can't think of their name right now though. Stupid prego brain. Lol. We planted the Irish moss so that we have something low maintenance that my dog can still use to tinkle on. We do live in an apartment after all! It'll spread out and end up looking like grass with little blooms on it in August/September.

Anywho, I'm so excited. I'm using organic top soil/potting soil (correspondingly of course) and organic plant food for my herbs and veggies/fruit. I'm going to take pictures every week or so to track its progress.

Speaking of organic plant food, I love the company that makes the plant food I'm using. They package their products in recycled soda bottles in order to give their company an almost net zero environmental impact rating. Its safe to use around pets (of course because its all natural!) and its made from worm poop. Lol. So its basically how Mother Nature feeds her garden! I'm really excited to see how it works.

If you see lots of pictures in the next couple of weeks, its probably because I'm doing good. If you don't see any pictures, they probably all died. Lol! But thats okay. Home Depot has a 1 year warranty on their plants, so even if I'm a horrible garden, I can get my money's worth.

Here's to hoping it all turns out well!
♥
Tanya & Baby Riley.

Nothing to worry about...

Mon, 28 May 2007 04:00:36 GMT

BUT, I had to go to the ER last night. Apparently my uterus ripped one of my muscles/ligaments that holds it in place.

And by rip I mean, it was painful enough to wake me up screaming and ask to be taken to the hospital. For those of you who know me well enough, I don't like seeing doctors or going to the hospital.

I didn't get home till 6:30 am and I'm still in lots of pain. I'm allowed to take Tylenol. Seriously, I'm renaming it Crappy-nol.

I'm feeling just coherent enough to write this and thats about it.

Tanya is okay. She just feels like her kidney grew teeth and started to try eating itself.

Something tells me that whatever I ripped correlates to the bowling balls strapped to my chest. (and obviously a growing, shifting uterus). Who can say though?

♥
Tanya & Baby Riley (who is totally fine, I'm the one taking the beating.)

P.S. I'll respond to your comments from the last entry tomorrow. I'm just not that up to writing much.

O-M-FREAKING-G!

Sun, 27 May 2007 03:07:56 GMT

I, being pregnant and all, understand better than most the true reason Nature/God intended for women to have breasts.

But holy space pickles, batman!!!

They're HUGE. Fucking HUGE. I feel like someone stapled bowling balls to my chest! Not to freak any boys out who might be reading this, but ladies listen up!!! I bought a new bra today (because I really needed one) and I had to purchase a 38E!

Yes, I'll say that again, size 38-motherfucking-E.

And seriously, its a good snug fit. Meaning if I get any bigger, (and seeing as I'm only in my second trimester, I WILL get bigger) I'll need a new bra. Where I will purchase this bra, I have no idea, because I bought the biggest one they had TODAY.

Maybe with a little luck and a LOT of fucking duct tape I'll be able to strap them in place.

I love my son, but God: Why? Why? Seriously? E's? Is he REALLY going to be THAT hungry? C'mon? Work with me here.

♥
Tanya, Baby Riley, and the mini-fridges attached to my chest.

As the days pass...

Sat, 26 May 2007 05:50:47 GMT

I wonder.

I wonder about how I'll possibly contain all this excitement.
How you'll look.
How I'll figure this all out.

I wonder what life will be like for you.
What challenges you'll face
In school
With friends
In a society thick with Myspace, & Oprah specials about 4th graders having sex.
A world where we fight each other, just for control of money.
A world with war, and ignorance, and pain.

I wonder if I'll be good enough for you.
If I'll do right by you,
Even if I try my hardest.
That even if I teach you everything I know
Will that be enough?
Because in the end, I'm still learning too.

But mostly,
I wonder how my heart will fill with love for you
Like I know it will the day you're born,
When it fills like it will burst with love for you already.

Its official. I'm blonde.

Wed, 23 May 2007 06:50:16 GMT

♥

& i wake up dreaming of you.

Dear Matthew Jacobs, though I doubt you're even reading this...

Sat, 19 May 2007 00:14:53 GMT

Stop calling Susie and asking her to spy on me. Thats pathetic and just proves how cowardly and irresponsible you are.

It is not her job to play messenger for either of us. The fact that you asked her to doesn't show that you're desperate, it shows how little you care for her as a friend. How can you just use her like that?

You make everyone believe you're so concerned and yet if you were so concerned, you'd be calling me personally no matter how much we argue. If you actually gave a shit about your child, if you had a heart, you'd be calling to check in on them despite the situation with me.

Honestly though, you're a day late and a dollar short (oh and please just bite your fucking tongue before you call me money hungry one more time. In case you hadn't noticed, children cost money and I'm the current vessel of that child. That means I have BABY RELATED EXPENSES that are half your responsibility).

You had two choices, be 100% in or 100% out. You got caught up in being petty about money, in whether we were together or not, in all the drama and then you tucked your tail between your legs and ran.

You chose out.

And its going to stay that way. You were scared of life, and now its no longer yours to be apart of. I refuse to subject my child (yes MY child) to a father who can't even decide if he loves them and wants to be around. I doubt you even remember telling me "I can't love another little person till I'm done loving you." (which is bullshit because you have to have a capacity for emotion in order to love someone)

That, and all the psychotic nonsense that came after it, is exactly why I cut you off and intend to continue to do so. *You* made your decision, now its up to you to make peace with it. AKA I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.

THEREFORE, since we're officially strangers at best, stop calling people we both happen to know and asking them to spy on me. Thats harassment and I will not tolerate that.

Go away.
Stay away.

There are plenty of other women out there for you to seduce.

Exhaustively,
Tanya

i wake up some mornings and i just don't understand.

Tue, 15 May 2007 20:29:15 GMT

was i just dreaming
was i stuck in wonderland
chasing a white rabbit
only to wake up
alone
in my room
with a hangover
from too much reality

LIAR
HYPOCRITE
SELFISH BASTARD.

a master of Illusion.
a spinner of webs and dreams.

And yet,
despite the illusion,
how could I not have noticed
what a coward you are...

You'll never fucking understand.
NEVER.
You won't even come close to understanding.
And it makes my stomach turn
The world lurches forward
and I'm spiraled into confusion.

And now,
the spirit of you lingers.
You haunt me
and my heart fills with bitter anger.

I hate you...
I've never felt so betrayed by anyone.

Except maybe myself.

Tue, 15 May 2007 04:25:34 GMT

My horoscope for today:

"Acting too hastily could result in a meltdown. So ride hard on any impulses that seem overwhelming. You know the way a mother tells her child to wait until they get home? Keep telling that to your inner child."

Creepy, since I've really been fighting the urge to call him up and tell him what a fucking asshole he is.

The cosmos are speaking to you, Tanya. Listen.

♥

Nightmares.

Mon, 14 May 2007 18:22:52 GMT

Several nights in a row now I've dreamt about him.

About him bumping into me at a store, or other crowded place, and nonchalantly asking how the baby is. How 'our' baby is. Bile rises in my throat and I can feel my face flush in the dream.

"We don't have a baby", I inform him. "We don't even know each other."

I turn and walk away, but closely he follows. "WAIT." He reaches out for my arm and comes so close to latching on to me, like a leech who smells a few more drops of blood and comes back to finish sucking the life out of you. "I want another chan-"

"GO TO HELL", I scream before he even finishes, wrentching my shoulder backwards and out of his grasp. My breath comes short as if I just ran a marathon.

"Are we having a girl?"

"WE have nothing. Just leave us alone!"

"I heard a rumor that its twins!"

"Rumor? We don't even have mutual friends. How could you hear a rumor and even hope it held a glimmer of truth?"

"I heard its two baby girls. Is it true? Are we having daughters?"

"I hate you." I pause, because I can hear every molecule of oxygen as it drains from my lungs, and then the room. "We aren't having daughters. WE don't exist."

Then he shatters and the oxygen comes rushing back into the room. As if I was talking to a painting of him, etched on glass. Not a mirror. Just a shallow reflection of the real him.

Then I realize he IS just a shallow reflection of himself. And that is no dream.

Copied from another LJ who copied it from someone else.

Sat, 12 May 2007 00:57:09 GMT

Hah. Here's an interesting story I found. I did NOT write this. It didn't happen to me. In fact I didn't even orignally find it. The point is, you WILL need a new pair of pants after reading this, because you're guarenteed to laugh so hard, you pee.

Enjoy!

"While I was on the bus today, I got to watch two little gothlings discussing their foray into Satanism. Imagine, if you will, a skinny, spotty boy trying desperately to be Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, complete with "Z?" shirt, slicked and pointed dyed black hair, and a pallor that came from Hot Topic or his mother's makeup case. We'll call him Gothling 1. Gothling 2 was a young girl, her dyed black and red and purple hair held back with a tatty red velvet and lace ribbon. Wearing This, over ripped up black fishnets with thin red velvet lace woven through and tied around her wrists. Stripey wicked witch stockingtights in black and red, and mary janes. I wanted to pet her, she was so cute. Makeup done ala Marilyn Manson.

Gothling 2, sulking: "I did everything right out of the Necronomicon, and the candles didn't even flicker. I don't get it. It should have summoned at least an imp."
Gothling 1, smarmy and oozing: "Well, it takes practice to summon the Dark Lords. I mean, you can't just call 'em up on your first time out. That's not how it works. You have to build up Power and Focus first."
Gothling 2, still sulking: "I did that! Ritual cleansing bath, Stones of Power around the circle, my Athame (pronounced aye-theme) and my Black Knife, and the three drops of blood!"
Gothling 1, smarmy and oozing: "That's good, that's good.. It's a good start, but you have to work with more Power than that. More blood, or sex, are good ways to harvest it."

At this point, I snorted a laugh - I couldn't help it. The Random Capitals of Doom that you could hear, the 'Dark Lords', the freaking NECRONOMICON.. couldn't keep a straight face.

Gothling 1, angry at me: "What the fuck are you laughing at?!"
Me: (To Gothling 2) "He's trying to get in your pants."
Gothling 2, shocked: "No he isn't!"
Me: "I'll bet you a dollar his next line was going to be an offer to help you 'Focus' and 'gather Power', either by bloodplay or offering to have sex with you."
Gothling 2: "It wasn't!" Turning to G1 "It wasn't, was it!? Tell her it wasn't!"
Gothling 1: *silent, glaring at me*
Me: "Yuhuh. Crappiest way to get into a girls pants, pretty much ever. Necronomicon as a reference tool? Puhfucklinglease. If you can buy it at Borders, just how good do you think it's gonna be?"
Gothling 2, glaring at G1: "That's sick, Greg. If you wanted a date, all you had to do was ask."
Gothling 1, still glaring at me: "I told you, it's not Greg anymore!"
Gothling 2, eyerolling: "Ok, OZRYMANDIUM, it's still shitty! Satanism is a serious business! You shouldn't cheapen it by using it to try to get a date!"

And then it was their stop, and they left the bus, still bickering."

♥
Tanya and Baby

Forgiveness

Sun, 06 May 2007 00:13:12 GMT

Have you ever tried to put a puzzle together? The further along you got in completing the picture, the more you started to realize whole pieces were missing; as if the box had never contained them to begin with.

There are no answers. There are no questions. Or more acceptably, we will never be satisfied with the answer, or even with the question.

Why? Its a constant itch that plagues me everyday and no matter how I scratch it, or how often, it keeps itching.

My puzzle is missing quite a few pieces. The biggest 'question', the most elusive 'answer', is the definition of the word father. At 18 years old, I find myself pregnant. Either a new mother blessed with the life of a beautiful child, or another tragic statistic for the news. I look around at my life, and nothing makes sense any more.

On a very windy Valentine's Day, I sat on the floor in a Del Taco bathroom crying bitterly. Positive. How funny that such an optimistic word can suddenly make your world crash in on itself.

When I finally told my then, and still ex-boyfriend, that he was going to be father, he was pretty speechless. Not because he was going to be a father, but because he didn't want his female guest to overhear us talking. Several days later, he and I finally had a chance to speak in private. The conversation, at least the beginning of it, will be forever etched into my mind.

"So...?" I asked him. "What are your thoughts?"
"Um...well...". He scratched his chin, casually. "You know, I'm not really ready to grow up right now...I'm not ready for this, so I think you should just have an abortion."

I actually felt my entire heart drop through my stomach. I wasn't the first girl he got pregnant (should have been my first clue before I started dating him right?). Each of the others had all had abortions. So when we started dating, I told him right away that I didn't believe in having an abortion and if I ever got pregnant, I wouldn't have one. No ifs, ands or butts. Its just who I am.

From there, we began to argue. And argue, and argue for about two months till I had become so stressed I almost miscarried, and he finally just dropped off the face of the earth.

I cry, almost every night because of the anger in my heart. I could give you a million reasons why I'm angry at him, some valid, some just petty. I might be absolutely right, or terribly wrong.

I'm angry. At him, but more importantly at myself. For choosing him, for leaving my child father-less because I wasn't careful enough. So angry, I can't even talk about the situation without digging my nails into my palms. Hurt. I'm hurt too.

I know that he'll never get it. That even if he was in the picture, he'd be a half-assed dad and I hate that more than I hate him not being here. He'll never understand how much he's hurt me, and more importantly how much he's hurt this child.

I want to find peace so badly. To forgive. To be healed of all this anger.

I'm 5 months pregnant. I have so many new challenges before me, the last thing I need to do is cripple myself with anger. But no matter how logically I put it to myself, no matter how many reasons I find for why I should heal, I can't seem to get there. I don't want my child to be crippled by my weaknesses.

How do I find forgiveness for him, and for myself?